A Word of Advice about WINE on PLANES

Sunday, November 18, 2007

A Word of Advice about WINE on PLANES
Current mood: nauseated

WARNING: this entry is NOT for the faint of heart.

Well. On my 12 hour flight back to the states from Spain (you all can ask me about his later, if you want) I UNLUCKILY happened upon a good reason why you SHOULD NOT drink too much on a flight and consequently one of my worst (but as you would probably call it) BEST puking stories to date. Oh dear.

So I have this history of NOT being able to sleep on planes, and let me tell you, with as many 12+ hour flights I'm on per year (almost per MONTH, really)...this can be pretty darn annoying. So, in my quest to find some way to find a bit of shut-eye during those long, grueling flights I've tried just about everything known to man: pills; Dramamine, valerian root (a really good relaxant), alcohol, depriving myself of sleep 24hrs before hand, etc. And NOTHING has worked. They work BEFORE I get on the plane... and YES, I HAVE almost missed flights because I fell asleep waiting to BOARD a plane before (having taken my Dramamine a wee bit too early!) But then, as soon as I'm seated--wide awake again. Truly infuriating.

This time around, however, I was REALLY determined to sleep, if anything to keep my mind off certain matters. So. I took my two valerian root capsules, had a small bottle of pre-dinner red wine, FILLED MY STOMACH up with my chicken dinner to add that element of what hopefully would-be full-stomach drowsiness, and had ANOTHER bottle of red wine as well. At this point I would like to make an important note: (as per the crucial little fact that was imparted to me by a gentleman in my NEXT and FINAL flight---AFTER THE FACT, of course.) Alcohol drunken at high altitudes is actually about TWICE AS STRONG. Now...did anyone else know that or am I just an idiot?

So I'm sitting there watching my first movie---"Once" and really starting to feel happy. Second movie (Harry Potter 5) comes around and BOY AM I LAUGHING IT UP. Everything is just PEACHY-KEEN and I'm just loving the flight and the movies... Well THAT didn't last long, I can assure you! The realization that I had drunk too much suddenly hit as I closed my eyes after the movie and had that all-too-familiar feeling that you're falling, which was cut short by the desperate need to go to the lavatory. Anyway (sorry folks, this is getting really long!). So. To make a long story short; I BARELY made it into the lavatory the first time around, and was practically BANGING THE DOOR DOWN so the poor person would let me in. Didn't even have enough time to completely shut the door behind me…just enough time to get the lid up but HA! Like THAT made any difference because as soon as round no. 1 was finished I turned my head 10 degrees to finish shutting the door (heaven knows I did NOT want any poor souls walking in on me) JUST FOR A SECOND and before I know it, this HUGE, MONSTROUS stream of PROJECTILE red-wine-chicken-rice-dinner puke is just PLASTERING THE WALLS and FLOORS and ALL OVER THE TOILET with a reek so strong it would have knocked anyone to the floor heaving. Damn-near covered the whole bathroom. OMG. So after I managed to control myself there was only one thing I could do: clean it up (there was no way in HELL I would make anyone else clean that awful mess up, it would simply be impossible it was so disgusting!!!). So I had the joy of pressing that little steward button in the bathroom and begging for some cleaning supplies from the guy, who luckily, was really nice and understanding.

ANYWAY. Being the SUPER STAR that I am, I got the lavatory sparkling clean (but still reeking to high-heaven) and had the joy of spending the rest of the REMAINING 9 HOURS SICKER THAN A DOG, rushing to the lavatory every 30 minutes (although only threw up 2 more times total), and begging 7Up and tea off the stewardesses and trying not to use that awful little puke-bag. Couldn't even enjoy my personal screen to catch up on movies like I usually do I was so down-right miserable.

So ya. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU DRINK ON PLANES. That's all I've got to say about that. Lesson learned….if not rather quite painfully. Sigh.

3:39 AM